I cried and watched heat lightning flash
a strobe light in the sky, falling rain as my soundtrack to
a heart heavy with envy and reality.
Longing to be
A stark and cutting realization:
My hurt stems and is rooted down in feeling so very alone
and the knowing
there is no one to rescue me, no one to give me approval, no one to write my poem.
It’s up to me.
This realization has only come from losing, in one way or another, those who I thought might be up for the tasks.
It was never their job and yet I hoped, wished, wanted and thought
they could do it.
So I waited,
and poured into them,
and tried to love them the best way I knew how,
and lost parts of myself trying to be what I thought was worthy of their affections and deserving of their time.
There is no me being victim
I chose to wait
The wait is over.
I do not know how or if, this will change my life.
I think it will shift intentions and focus to me.
Empowering and frightening.
As all the fabulous things in life are.
Better to see the video
I see you
I see your multi-faceted depth
You cannot return to the dripping over-positive attitude, a false smile pasted on your face
You are multi-dimensional now
You might long to return to that time
But there is no return to the shallow
Step tenderly into this gray space
It is soft and cold
smooth and rugged
I am here with you and
I am in awe and wonder of your depth
Of your harsh lines, your shadows
It brings out the light you carry into even sharper relief
How can you best show yourself love & grace today?
What feels like love to you?
What is nurturing your mind, body & soul?
Just joining us?
We have just begun here
What if this was the place for my most
deepest, darkest secrets?
Would I then feel free?
I let my demons have their own space
my fear it’s own voice
would they diminish?
would the shouts be eventually silenced?
one can hope
Or would they grow
fed by the attention & acknowledgment?
Lost without a mission
Lost without a purpose
Lost without a war or a fight, except the one screaming in my head
Where am I going?
Who am I?
What am I doing here on this Earth?!
Indeed, the great questions.
Ones I will spend a lifetime answering. Searching for. Reaching to.
Please just breathe.
I am here to find out who I am. Be the most me I can be. Lost on a trail of wonder, discovery and dreams. Finding joy in the everyday mundane. Seeking out the beauty in the ordinary.
Not all those who wonder and wander are lost.
There is darkness and light in the lost places. Seek out each equally. Find out the places you hide from in your soul. Lost without love. Charity. Seeking the true source of me. The divine spark deep in my heart. The light that fills me from within that longs to be poured out in the world. I will be here in the lost place, probably all the time. Finding and losing myself and my way again and again. There is peace in the knowing of the uncertainty. The changes. The newness. The chance to begin again.