This Heavy Sadness

hourglass

I cried and watched heat lightning flash

a strobe light in the sky, falling rain as my soundtrack to

a heart heavy with envy and reality.

Longing to be

someone other

Than

Me.

A stark and cutting realization:
My hurt stems and is rooted down in feeling so very alone

and the knowing

there is no one to rescue me, no one  to give me approval, no one to write my poem.

It’s up to me.

This realization has only come from losing, in one way or another, those who I thought might be up for the tasks.

It was never their job and yet I hoped, wished, wanted and thought

they could do it.

So I waited,

and poured into them,

and waited

and tried to love them the best way I knew how,

and waited

and lost parts of myself trying to be what I thought was worthy of their affections and deserving of their time.

There is no me being victim

I chose to wait

and now

The wait is over.

I do not know how or if, this will change my life.

I think it will shift intentions and focus to me.

Empowering and frightening. 

As all the fabulous things in life are.

You Know Who you Are

Better to see the video

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Being Gray {#SEE}

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I see you

I see your multi-faceted depth

You cannot return to the dripping over-positive attitude, a false smile pasted on your face

You are multi-dimensional now

You might long to return to that time

But there is no return to the shallow

Step tenderly into this gray space

It is soft and cold

smooth and rugged

I am here with you and

I am in awe and wonder of your depth

Of your harsh lines, your shadows

It brings out the light you carry into even sharper relief

 

 

How can you best show yourself love & grace today?

What feels like love to you?

What is nurturing your mind, body & soul?

Let’s #SEE

You

Just joining us?

We have just begun here

Lost & Found

Lost

Lost without a mission

Lost without a purpose

Lost without a war or a fight, except the one screaming in my head

Where am I going?

Who am I?

What am I doing here on this Earth?!

Indeed, the great questions.

Ones I will spend a lifetime answering. Searching for. Reaching to.

Breathe here.

Please just breathe.

I am here to find out who I am. Be the most me I can be. Lost on a trail of wonder, discovery and dreams. Finding joy in the everyday mundane. Seeking out the beauty in the ordinary.

Not all those who wonder and wander are lost.

There is darkness and light in the lost places. Seek out each equally. Find out the places you hide from in your soul. Lost without love. Charity. Seeking the true source of me. The divine spark deep in my heart. The light that fills me from within that longs to be poured out in the world. I will be here in the lost place, probably all the time. Finding and losing myself and my way again and again. There is peace in the knowing of the uncertainty. The changes. The newness. The chance to begin again.

Love

Open

Savoring

Time