Nine. Twenty Nine.

1. He calls it his “war hawk.” It’s a plastic parrot. All in the naming…

2. A lone yellow flower still in bloom.

3. I dumped his cereal on the floor. I am so tired of catering to his every & so many fears.

4.  I thoroughly enjoy organizing. Then I come back to my reality. 

5. Traumatic. Disappointment.

6. I am already done with this day. It’s 8:15. In the morning.

7.  They had a picnic in the sunshine on a dark blue blanket.

8. Joy is the best makeup. -Anne Lamott

9. But first, some rebellion.

Advertisements

Nine. Twenty Eight.

1. I long to be the desired. Not the default.

2. Cooler weather & classical piano music. I feel myself soften & sink.

3. How can I work with the interruptions?

4.  These daily challenges & struggles are eroding my heart.

5.  No matter what I do or don’t do, I will never look the exact way I want to. 

6. Acceptance feels like quitting.

7. Constant striving feels like a sword impaling.

8. These few moments of silence were not worth the fight to get them.

9. Balance?

Nine. Twenty Seven.

1. “I am profoundly enchanted by the flowing complexity in you.” -John Keats

2. Celery, onions & carrots in the soup pot. The triumphant trio. Always a great beginning.

3.  He called someone a poop head. Preschool profanity.  

4. Always thinking about efficiency. What if I pondered enjoyment?

5.  Is there something more important than happiness? 

6. Shift

7. “The marvelous thing about a good question is that it shapes our identity as much by the asking as it does by the answering.” -David Whyte

8. “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild & precious life?”. -Mary Oliver

9. May we ask the deep & important & best questions.

Nine. Twenty Three.

1. The cool weather today calls for soup!

2. She returns to her not sleeping habit. I go back to yelling.

3.  Listening to classical solo piano changes the way my heart beats.

4.  How can I help?

5. The fish still make me smile.

6. Black polished nails growl for glitter.

7. I magnify his stress, how can I just listen & let him know he is heard & held?

8. She pats my back when I pick her up. Comfort returned & given.

9. Today I shall be…eyes wide, mouth shut.

Nine. Twenty.

1. Hurt blocks creativity. I just want this hole gone.

2. Purple flowers in honor of my mother. She text me “Goodbye C have a nice life.”

3. Nails lacquered in pitch black.

4. Eyes will be lined too. Accessories as armor & an outward expression of an inner sadness laced with anger.

5. “…to write is to note down the music of the world.” -Helene Cixous

6.  Today I shall be…quieter. Listen to them speak.

7. Visiting a local farm to touch bunnies, look into the big eyes of a cow & laugh at goat antics.

8. “The deepest dream of silence is the beauty of music & word.” -John O’Donohue

9. Walk in beauty.

Nine. Eighteen.

1. Quadruple kisses from them. My heart swells to burst.

2. I want to know if you know how to melt into that fierce heat of living, falling toward the center of your longing. – David Whyte

3. I am truly at my worst when driving. Especially across the river. Particularly when I notice someone looking at their phone and not the road. I WILL FIND A WAY TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR A#$. 

4.  Deep breath. Repeat. And again.

5.  My scalp still tingles

6. Sail. Calms me down a notch. Or twenty. No need to ask why, it just does. Magic.

7. Window cleaning young male style-with a water gun in the nude. Whip with cloth to dry. Sparkling!

8.  “We dwell between the air & the earth, guests of that middle kingdom where light & colour embrace.” -John O’Donohue 

9. Let’s dance in this space. 

Nine. Seventeen.

1. All of us on the trail. Racing ensues. 

2. Siting on the couch with Littles all around. They smell so good.

3. He played with my hair. 

4. Just underpants & blankets. Donut run!

5. Ran in the darkness before the dawn. It truly is as they say.

6. Scents of cigarettes, cologne & laundry detergent.

7. “I don’t want to say shit.” The laughter that follows from the speaker & his audience (us).

8. She woke up crying & after her blanket rearranged & a bit of a back rub, back to sleep she goes. I am thankful I am here for this.

9. How can I love me?