Nine. Twenty Four.

1. Her dance moves. A gallop, hip move & hops. Outstanding!!

2. Little white pumpkins are so cute.

3. He brings me dandelions. 

4. Creative crossroads. Choices. Conundrum.

5. How can I look in the mirror & like what I see?

6. Give me a glass jar filled with something deep red, envelop me in gray, a pencil & a page. 

7.  Running fingers through fine blonde hair & kissing into squish cheeks. 

8. His hate hurts my heart.

9. May my words & actions be of love & light.

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Nine. Three.

 1. The weather holding steady at disgusting.

2. I am terrified to want what I want, b/c all I have will most likely be destroyed.

3. Writing & music are not easing this accumulated anger & ceaseless screaming. What other tools can I use?

4. All Littles on the dream trail with me, running around & being free.

5. How can I have a laugh line on my right cheek? I can’t remember the last time I laughed or smiled.

6. Put my hair in a ponytail before sleep & woke up with it covering my face. Must have had wild dreams. With no remembering.

6. I do not know what to do & I do not want to be.

7.  I wish to be turned on by my own skin.

8. We barely speak. How can we still be?

9.  A new planner found!

Becoming. Me…

betta

Photograph by Visarute Angkatavanich

Searching for me in all the wrong places.

The gorgeous guide, Hannah Marcotti, the inspiringly beautiful Kimberly Wilson, the nourishing Mara Glatzel, the shining millionaire Leonie Dawson, the Art of Simple lady Tsh Oxendreider, the woman who captures beauty, Susannah Conway, the journal amazing Jen of Journal Wild, the man of Zen Habits Leo Babuta, and the straight up powerhouse Danielle Laporte.

Not me.

Inspiration vs. Emulation.

Stepping away from the voices not my own. Holding space for the silent whispers of my heart and soul to reveal themselves.

Metamorphosis: noun trans·fig·u·ra·tion : a change in form or appearance : an exalting, glorifying, or spiritual change

I have been in a creative void these past few weeks. Feeling as if I am staring into a muddled well of hurt and confusion. I have been trying to wait patiently for the water to settle so I can see answers more clearly.

Like a caterpillar turned to goo before becoming a butterfly, I am in the transformation stage. In the gray space of uncertainty and discomfort I am nourishing and tending to myself. Keeping the tender, tiny bloom of a new beginning soon to unfold cherished and hidden.

It is taking longer than I have patience for!

Sigh

In the interim, here are some ideas and things I have been doing to #fill my well with nourishment and inspiration.

  • Connect with yourself. Probably by being quiet.
  • Spend time alone
  • Go on a walk
  • Dance
  • Meditate the way you like
  • Sing with a smile
  • Laugh down to your belly
  • Pray any way
  • Try a new creative endeavor
  • Get a fish. The peaceful glide of one so light.
  • Rest-create a soothing space to have delight-filled dreams.
  • Light a candle and take a few breaths and watch the flame. Primal peace.
  • A new journal. Fresh starts for a new season soon coming.
  • Treat yourself with gentleness and speak words of sweet.
  • Vision & create your own unique self-care routine
  • Daydream, cloud watch, spend time outside,
  • Play in water (a pool, lake, ocean, etc),
  • Be present for a sunrise or sunset

Who or what is inspiring you? go & get some!

What can you do more of that makes you really alive & happy?

What can bring more playfulness, fun & celebration in your life?

What energy do you want to feel from your day?

What would you like your day to look like?

You are made of dreams, my inspire.

This Heavy Sadness

hourglass

I cried and watched heat lightning flash

a strobe light in the sky, falling rain as my soundtrack to

a heart heavy with envy and reality.

Longing to be

someone other

Than

Me.

A stark and cutting realization:
My hurt stems and is rooted down in feeling so very alone

and the knowing

there is no one to rescue me, no one  to give me approval, no one to write my poem.

It’s up to me.

This realization has only come from losing, in one way or another, those who I thought might be up for the tasks.

It was never their job and yet I hoped, wished, wanted and thought

they could do it.

So I waited,

and poured into them,

and waited

and tried to love them the best way I knew how,

and waited

and lost parts of myself trying to be what I thought was worthy of their affections and deserving of their time.

There is no me being victim

I chose to wait

and now

The wait is over.

I do not know how or if, this will change my life.

I think it will shift intentions and focus to me.

Empowering and frightening. 

As all the fabulous things in life are.

You Know Who you Are

Better to see the video

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