I am mother
I am the mother who holds her child’s foot as he drifts to dreamland. The mother who creates play lists for a peaceful birth and never pushed play. I am the mother who carries guilt as a heavy fisted knot between her shoulder blades. Who thinks she is not enough to her children. Doing enough art projects, taking them enough places, exposing them to new things. I yell. I cry. I plead. I ask them why?!
I am the mother who worries, is anxious, frets and plans. Who wants perfection and sometimes misses the good right in front of her. The good enough right before her eyes.
I am the mother, the woman, who wants so much for her children. Who expects so much from herself. Who holds herself to unattainable standards. Who feels like a failure. Who longs for peace. For the feeling of being enough, just as she is.
I want my children to feel like enough. They are more than enough. They are precious, messy miracles. I want them to just be them. Made of and by and for love. They are everything contained in human form. They are made of the stuff of stars. Phenomenal. I NEVER want them to doubt their importance or significance in this world. I hope they know how much I love them, how much the Universe loves them. How much they are needed in this world. I want them to feel it in their core. Recognize it in their soul.
I want them to feel the deep yet subtle connections of comfort, love and home from who I am. Not from what I do (or don’t do). I want them to know I loved the smell of them, their hair, their morning breath, their milky baby breath, their cereal milk pee pants. I hope they feel my love when I touch them as we play, kiss them before they eat, hold them close to my heart when I squeeze them close. I cook for them to let them taste the hope I have for them to be strong and full of life and energy. I want their idea of love to be pure, clean and simple. Always present, surrounding all and never giving up.
I am the mother who takes a picture of her children everyday. Looks back on theses pictures with wonder and awe. I am the one who writes a bit each day about the things I love. Mostly about them. I am the woman who holds and touches her Littles as often as possible while still being the person who doesn’t want to be touched. I am the mother who looks deep into their bottomless eyes and see the universe. Perfect. Whole. Complete. I am being Momma Zen.
My children are my mark in the book of the universe. They are my legacy.
What moments will they remember when looking back on their childhood?
Who are you?