More for Mine

daisies

Pic from Farmer’s Almanac

 

This past month has been about encouraging mothers. Encouraging me in my mothering.

Because I need kind words. I need to hear whispers of love.

It’s also because…

I have a mother who no longer mothers.

My mom is gone

Not the “in heaven, in the ground, gone gone”

But lost (forever?) somehow

The woman who was my mother

Morphed, changed, let me go

She mothers animals, not her children or her grandchildren

The aloneness & emptiness I feel settles deep, burdens my heart

Why? What? How?

She wasn’t there for the birth of either of my children

This pain still feels fresh even though they are now three and one

She isn’t here for the phone calls of questions or helping hands.

She chooses to be with her animals, not her family

Her retreat from humans and need for animals has completely taken over

She never chooses me-no phone calls, no visits, nothing

She chooses to milk a cow, breed another goat, count more chickens

Will there be a time for me when this realization doesn’t stab deep wounds again & again?

Will the ache subside? The pain let up?

I have forgiven her.

Released her.

Tears have washed away the blame.

I know these are her choices

Not because of me. Or despite me.

I am worthy of a mother who mothers

I will re-direct and be more for mine.

My children will reap the rewards of my pain and loss.

They will feel love returned towards them. Many times multiplied.

And so it is.

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