This past month has been about encouraging mothers. Encouraging me in my mothering.
Because I need kind words. I need to hear whispers of love.
It’s also because…
I have a mother who no longer mothers.
My mom is gone
Not the “in heaven, in the ground, gone gone”
But lost (forever?) somehow
The woman who was my mother
Morphed, changed, let me go
She mothers animals, not her children or her grandchildren
The aloneness & emptiness I feel settles deep, burdens my heart
Why? What? How?
She wasn’t there for the birth of either of my children
This pain still feels fresh even though they are now three and one
She isn’t here for the phone calls of questions or helping hands.
She chooses to be with her animals, not her family
Her retreat from humans and need for animals has completely taken over
She never chooses me-no phone calls, no visits, nothing
She chooses to milk a cow, breed another goat, count more chickens
Will there be a time for me when this realization doesn’t stab deep wounds again & again?
Will the ache subside? The pain let up?
I have forgiven her.
Tears have washed away the blame.
I know these are her choices
Not because of me. Or despite me.
I am worthy of a mother who mothers
I will re-direct and be more for mine.
My children will reap the rewards of my pain and loss.
They will feel love returned towards them. Many times multiplied.
And so it is.