D Day #4

Four years since my world was blew up.
Year 1 Year 2 Year 3
Turned upside down
Reconfigured, redirected & havoc wrecked.
Ugh
A diagnosis of a chronic illness can do that to a gal
Especially one who had a plan
All of her life thought out
No husband, no kids, lots of money, working hard & looking polished & fine.
Alone
Except for the numerous numbers in her bank account
Life has not turned out the way I planned/wanted/dreamed/goals set
Sigh
Most days I am glad I live this reality
Some days I want the dream I had

A diagnosis of MS has made some positive changes in my life
I stepped back and evaluated everything I was doing, being, striving for.
Questioned if it was really what I wanted. What life was all about.
It’s wasn’t. It isn’t.
I let go of plans made. I cherish my marriage. I welcomed children into my life. Money isn’t happiness.

And yet…

I am still angry.
I am afraid of what my future holds.
I have fallen back in to unhealthy habits. My affair with sugar has returned hot & heavy. It treats me so bad, yet I still want it desperately. Addiction.
I despise the angry black elephant lurking in the corner everywhere I am. Watching me with evil dark purple eyes. Waiting & wanting to stomp more holes in my brain. Leaving me broken and crippled.
I hurt for my husband & my children. I don’t want them to have to take care of me.
I question God’s love for me.
I resent this disease. I am in denial. I don’t even claim it as my own.

Clearly, I need to work toward acceptance so I can work towards wholeness.
Perhaps tomorrow.
In the meantime, a little music to lighten the mood
KC and the Sunshine Band-my musical heroes!

I’m your Boogie Man

My Boogie Shoes

How you Like me Now?!

The whole story: Dancing with MS

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